


Being Numb Is Worse Than Being Hurt

by awkwardly_living



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is a Good Boyfriend, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance Needs a Hug, Lance needs help, M/M, Needed To Vent, Somewhat, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Keith (Voltron), how does one tag, not much, so this happened, that's a legitimate question
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-07 16:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14675406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardly_living/pseuds/awkwardly_living
Summary: Lance sat with his back against his bed, head resting on the mattress. He stared above him through his lifeless eyes as if the ceiling itself could pull him out of this nightmare, as if the ceiling could give him the answers he searched for. His thoughts swirled and overwhelmed his everything. It was all he could to just sit there, gazing aimlessly. He didn't understand it. He didn't get why he had to be like this, why he had to feel this way.--------------I needed to vent so I wrote this.Basically me just getting my thoughts out from Lance's POV.So yeah.--------------[edit: feb. 18, 2019]holy frick thanks for 1,000 hits





	1. Problems

     Lance sat with his back against his bed, head resting on the mattress. He stared above him through his lifeless eyes as if the ceiling itself could pull him out of this nightmare, as if the ceiling could give him the answers he searched for. His thoughts swirled and overwhelmed his everything. It was all he could to just sit there, gazing aimlessly. He didn't understand it. He didn't get why he had to be like this, why he had to feel this way.

    Tears finally formed in his eyes, a small testament to the storm in his head. Just a tiny glimpse to the waves pounding against him, threatening to pull him under permanently. He wasn't sad, no, but he wasn't even close to happy either. He didn't even remember what happy was anymore. It had been so long since the last time he didn't have to wear another stupid mask just to seem... normal. He hadn't felt a damn thing for so long and it was killing him.

     People always told him that they wished that they didn't feel emotions, or that they didn't have the sadness. He'd always just smile sadly, never knowing how to really reply. He'd give anything to feel something again. No one understood; no one ever tried to understand. 

     Lance knew he needed help. He knew that he needed to grab his phone from the bed and type in the numbers he knew by heart. Keith would rush to his side in an instant. Lance knew that. He needed that. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't be a burden all over again. He couldn't force himself to have to listen to the normal "It's going to be ok," or "I love you," all the while convincing himself that they were all lies.

     It was never going to be ok.

     No one could ever love him.

     And even if they somehow did, he wouldn't deserve them. he would use them. He would hurt them. And to him, that was worse than anything else. 

     So he hid it. He covered up the scars, stashed away the blades and pills, put on the masks of society. To those around him, he was in recovery. He was getting better. He hadn't cut his arms, so he must be getting closer to being "cured." Of being "fixed."

     But what if he didn't need to be fixed? What if he just needed someone to understand? To realize that this won't just go away? That he felt like nothing is worth it? Of course, no one could see that. He wouldn't let them. If they saw, they'd finally see how messed up he truly was. They'd turn away in disgust, and he'd be alone. Finally. he'd finally be proven right.

     He was just a nobody.

     He was just a stupid little child who needed to finally let go. To let go of the world. Let go of life.

     But he couldn't let it go. He couldn't let them down. Let  _him_ down. because if he did, what would he be then? Just another monster in the world. A selfish one, at that. After all his friends, his family had done for him? No. He wouldn't. He'd keep going until it killed him. At least they'll be happy. At least they'll be ok. That's all that mattered to him. All that ever would.

     Because it never went away. The emptiness, the overwhelming sense of dread just to talk, just to open his big mouth and talk. It was always there, lurking. He didn't want to be  _this_ Lance anymore. He wanted to be the Lance he was before, before he got older. Before he understood what "a living hell" truly meant. 

     Lance bowed his head, slowly reaching his hand to grasp his phone, going back and forth between outcomes. Call and get help, most likely being a burden on those he loved, or just live with it, making the others happy? Which was the best way? He felt selfish. Was it selfish? Or was it selfish to keep the truth from them? Would he ever be the man he wanted to be? The man they needed him to be? He honestly didn't know anymore. 


	2. Solutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance makes a decision.  
> Thankfully, he makes the right one.  
> Or does he?  
> [yeah, he does, don't worry. I can't hurt my son anymore <3 (yeah, that's a lie, but shh let me be happy)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not having another breakdown at the moment so hERE'S SOME SELF INDULGENT [is that how to use those words???? english???? is hard???? help????] TRASH :D [the smiley person is crying on the inside :DD]
> 
> also go look up chloe moriondo on youtube because her voice is amazing and shes so adorable and my heart can't take it hELP [her and dodie are just,,,, AAAAAAAAA]

     Finally, Lance had had enough. He shook his head, trying to shut his mind out. Unlocking his phone, he tapped the call button of the most recent contact in his calls. He bit his lip and tried to force the tears back in his eyes as the dial tone played in his ear. Finally, he heard a familiar voice say, "Lance, it's three in the morning; why aren't you asleep?" 

     Lance tried to reply, but no words came out. 

     "Lance?" 

     Lance broke. All that time, shoving his feelings down, shutting his thoughts out, got to the point of tearing apart. His sobs filled the room. Keith, listening sorrowfully over the phone, just said, "I'll be right there." Neither teen made any move to end the call, as Lance vaguely heard the car door open and close. 

     His sobs quieted to soft whimpers after almost ten minutes. Keith had remained mostly silent on the other line other than the occasional reassurance that he was almost there and that Lance would be alright. Finally a few minutes later, there was the distinct sound over the phone of a key being inserted into the rusty lock and the back door of the house opening. It only took a moment until Lance heard soft knocking at his door before it opened and Keith stepped in, face softening to see Lance crumpled on the floor in the state the teen was in.

     "Lance," Keith sighed sadly, turning his phone off and setting it on the dresser. He stepped slowly towards the other boy before dropping to the floor in front of him, arms open in invitation. After a moment of hesitation, Lance caved and pushed forward to lean into the contact. Keith gently wrapped his arms around him, softly rubbing the boy's back.

     "I'm s-sorry," Lance choked out. Keith shook his head and replied, "Shh, no, no. Don't apologize.  _I'm_ sorry that I didn't notice." Lance pushed down his thoughts, trying to shut out his insecurities and the lies. 

      The ocean in his mind was still raging with power, still a threat to pull him in, but there was a new addition to the equation. The beach keeps the waves contained. As long as he's there, standing surely on his feet on the warm sand, he'd be ok. The waves would still reach him, they would still be there, but they wouldn't take him. They wouldn't drown him. 

      So, with Keith as his beach, he'd be ok. Would everything be perfect? Would his thoughts stop? Of course not. But with Keith by his side, he'd push through. He'd more than just survive; he'd live. He'd live and learn how to be himself again. 

     But was it worth it? Was it worth being a dead weight on everyone? On Keith? How is that fair? Why should they have to deal with him? The waves grew and grew, forming a wall of torment in front of him, about to come crashing down.

     Lance slowly pushed away to wrap his arms around himself. He looked down, unable to meet Keith's eyes. He hears the aforementioned sigh and say, "Look, I know this is hard. I know you feel weak, or that you're just messing life up for the rest of us, but those are lies. Lies that you keep telling yourself and believing. You are _not_ weak; you are honestly the strongest person I've ever met."

     The sand stirred, building up its own walls, short as they may be. 

     Lance risked a glance up. He saw nothing in Keith's expression but love, compassion, and honesty. Ducking his head away again, he sniffled.

     The sand was warm under his toes, soothing him. He sat down on the ground, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, focusing on the feeling of the beach and the calming breeze. 

     A hand tenderly guided his chin up until he was facing Keith. Keith just smiled softly and said, "I'm here, Lance. I'm here because I love you, and I'm choosing to be here. I'm choosing you, just like you chose me." Lance's darted between Keith's face and the floor beside him. He opened his mouth to say something, to say how he was lying, how he was just holding Keith back, but he knew it wasn't true. He knew that no matter how bad it got, Keith  _wanted_ to be there for him. 

      The walls of grainy sand built and built, until he was surrounded, safe and secure. The waves couldn't drown him anymore. They'd always be there, always be waiting for the walls to slip just once, but for now, in that moment, Lance didn't care. He was far from ok, but he believed he could reach the point that he could truthfully say that he was alright. That he was happy.

     Finally looking Keith in the eyes, Lance swallowed thickly and hoarsely admitted, "I need help." Keith nodded sadly and replied, "But that's ok, cause we're going to get you help. You're not going to have to deal with all of this on your own, ok? I'm here, your family and friends are here, and we can talk to Coran about getting sessions again." Lance nodded and looked back down. 

     "Do you want to try to get some sleep?" Keith asked. Lance shrugged. "I doubt I can sleep now, but I guess there's no harm in trying." 

     The two climbed into bed, lying on their backs. After a while, Lance finally broke the silence, saying, "Why am I like this?" Keith turned to look at him. 

     "What do you mean?"

     "Like...This!" Lance huffed and flopped his arms down on the blanket. "I have a pretty normal life, and yet here I am, breaking down for no apparent reason." He exhaled and turned his head to stare at the wall. "I guess I just don't get why I'm such a mess while there's so many people who have it a heck of a lot worse and are, ya' know, actually emotionally stable." He sighed and hugged his chest. 

     "Lance." He turned back to face Keith. "The fact that others might have it harder does not make your own problems any less valid. Sometimes, even though life could be going pretty alright, your brain might just decide to be a jerk. It's normal, and you're gonna get through it." Lance's mouth hung open as he just stared, tears collecting in his eyes. Keith immediately went into panic mode, saying, "I'm sorry! Did I say something wrong?" Lance shook his head and laughed, sniffling a bit. 

     "No, no! I just- you-" He took a deep breath and said quietly, "I love you." Keith smiled back and said, "I love you too." 

     The two lay there for a little before Lance scooted closer, resting his head on Keith's chest, whispering, "Thank you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah. I originally intended for this to have a different ending,, but this works too.  
> I'm tired so I'm going bye bye.  
> I'm insane help. [also I'm watching a chloe moriondo video right now and omk she's so adorable. like seriously help]
> 
> If you want more of Lance being an emotional mess and also Keith is sad and ish [and also established klance bc i'm trash], go check out my regularly updated fic [How Do I Escape This Pain?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14807339/chapters/34261094)
> 
> If you want another angsty one with eventual klance, go check out my _other_ chaptered fic that I _try_ to update frequently [but the chapters are longer so it's a bit harder] [The Masks We Wear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17532074/chapters/41307764)
> 
> Mk, bye! thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> criticism is always appreciated.  
> I apologize for any grammar and spelling issues; I honestly can't proofread this at the moment for fear of losing myself again even more than I have already. so, sorry.


End file.
